Total Blast From the Past

Some people play Candy Crush. Others watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta, New York City, Hoboken, whatever.

But lately, my favorite time waster and/or procrastination method has been taking those ubiquitous Buzzfeed quizzes.

You know, the ones that help you answer pressing questions like “What Romantic Comedy Best Describes Your Actual Love life?” Or “What State Do You Actually Belong In?”

To wit, I recently discovered that if I were a ’90s pop icon, I would be Christina Aguilera. Well, at least I could sing, unlike, say, Britney or a Spice Girl or me outside of the shower.

What cracks me up most about these quizzes is their method to the madness, namely how whoever writes these goes about determining the answer. For instance, to “discover” that I was, indeed, Christina, I chose a ’90s fad (feeling nostalgic, I opted for the inflatable furniture since I actually moved to Nashville in 1998 with an inflatable couch and bed in tow). For the ’90s cartoon character, the only choice for me was Daria, while the ’90s junk food decision was a tougher call. It ultimately came down to the weird fruity Altoids and the Keebler Magic Middle cookies.

Since I’ve rarely met a cookie that I haven’t liked, I ended up ruling in favor of the Keebler elves. Meanwhile, picking the ’90s drink was easy because I always had a thing for blackberry-flavored Clearly Canadians. Strangely enough, I always thought they were much, much healthier than soda, so when I found out they had a boatload of sugar and no actual blackberries, I was seriously bummed.

Last but not least, the final three questions that led me to Christina were no-brainers. Pick a TV show, you say. Easy. “Friends.” And yes, I know that if I were a “Friends” character, I’d be Phoebe, thank you very much (I always thought I was more of a Chandler, but whatever).

A ’90s clothing fad that I miss? How about those Hypercolor shirts? Now I’m not saying I want them to come back in fashion, but they were pretty awesome. Mine was every little girl’s dream, the purple one that turned pink whenever I was warm or whatever it was that changed the color. When you’ve got hips and aren’t a fan of farm chic, the overalls were a bad choice, pure and simple. Ditto for the midriff top without a perfectly flat tummy. Platforms? Scrunchies? Tommy Hilfiger apparel? Also no thanks.

Last but certainly not least, the final question involved a nostalgic smell. I would’ve said Cool Waters since every man and woman wore that scent back then, but I went with No. 2 pencils simply because even the thought of smelling McDonalds cheeseburgers, fresh Play-Doh or tiny erasers made me feel ill. And VHS tapes? Who took the time to sniff those? Was that something people actual did?

So there you have it, my friends. From inflatable furniture, Daria, Magic Middle Keebler cookies, Clearly Canadians, “Friends,” Hypercolor shirts and No. 2 pencils, I’ve been declared the singer of “Genie in a Bottle.”

Bet you’re happy to have that information at your disposal, huh? :)

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